So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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