Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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