i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
