Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
