i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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