I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
