So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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