i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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