This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
