they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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