Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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