Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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