Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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