If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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