I feel like abortions should bother me more
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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