So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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