All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
