I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
