You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
