Tell her she can't have a vagina
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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