I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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