chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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