Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
