All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
