There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
