You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
