so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
