How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
