this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
