Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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