you traded sex for a burrito?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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