i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
