You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
