o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Im part way to drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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