Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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