I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
