....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
