I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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