Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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