Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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