I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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