He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
