he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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