Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
