Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
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