she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
