shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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