all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
