i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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