Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
