dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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