All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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