just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
