Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
