I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
