I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
