You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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