he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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