How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
