why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
