did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
