It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
