i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
