I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
