dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
